


An every day occurrence

by Tchell1



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, asexual!Illya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-24 23:45:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4938550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tchell1/pseuds/Tchell1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Until he was 20, whenever Illya would have sex he would think 'this is the day I will finally experience the wonderfulness everyone keeps talking about'. Finally he had to admit sex for him was not the same. He did not enjoy it. He would go through all the motions and he learned how to please his partner, but he did not enjoy it. He much preferred the post sex time, when he could be with the person and just enjoy the touching and the company.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An every day occurrence

**Author's Note:**

> This work deals with an asexual character. The way the character is portrait in no way assumes there is only one form of representing asexuality and it means no disrespect to anyone.

Since he was young, Illya knew he was not like the other boys. He had never had any urge to have sex with anyone, he felt uncomfortable hearing the other boys talk about it and he did not understand what everyone else was so excited about. He told himself that this would change as soon as he had done it. He was wrong.

Until he was 20, whenever Illya would have sex he would think _this is the day I will finally experience the wonderfulness everyone keeps talking about_. Finally he had to admit sex for him was not the same. He did not enjoy it. He would go through all the motions and he learned how to please his partner, but he did not enjoy it. He much preferred the post sex time, when he could be with the person and just enjoy the touching and the company.

Then, Illya met Napoleon and could not help fall in love with him. His partner was charming, handsome, cunning, very intelligent, really, Illya knew he had no chance. When there were time, Illya would enjoy thinking about Napoleon and the kind of relationship he would like to have. He wanted to spend days in bed just touching, he wanted to take Napoleon into different museums and hear him talk about art and see his eyes twinkle when he would talk about stealing one or two of the masterpieces for himself.

It was during one incredibly dangerous mission, with Gaby shouting on their ears that they had to leave the place immediately or they would be blow up that Illya saw Napoleon looking at him with a smile, the conspiratorial one that he knew made Gaby crazy. Illya felt a pang on his heart, because that smile meant Napoleon might want a relationship with him, but not the same one Illya fantasized. They never wanted just to touch.

It would not matter. Illya would give Napoleon whatever he wanted. Never before had Illya felt such love for someone.

Napoleon kissed Illya two months after The Smile. They were both at a hotel room with Gaby. Napoleon filled his and Gaby’s glass with scotch, whispered something to her that made her smile encouragingly and turned back to Illya. He got close to where Illya was seated, looking straight at him, gave him a trembling smile and said: “Stop me if this is not what you want.” and very slowly got down and kissed Illya on the lips.

Illya gasped and Napoleon retreated quickly. Now or never, Illya thought, grabbing Napoleon and pulling him back. Illya could hear Gaby chuckling and leaving the room. Even then, while Illya was exhilarated, he was already preparing for the times when he would have to fake interest in bed, where Napoleon was clearly at easy and very eager to be.

As Illya had already figured, Napoleon was very attentive while making love. His bright blue eyes would never leave his partner and he would pay attention to all the reactions his actions would cause. Illya did not fake anything because he was actually feeling everything Napoleon was doing to him and because he wanted to give this to Napoleon. Even so, all the time, all Illya could think was that he would much rather have Napoleon fix his gaze on him when they were both just lying in bed all tangled up.

He would curse his inability to enjoy the experience. In all his life, he had never felt the need to have sex, but now, watching Napoleon give himself entirely to his sensations, he wished he could share it with Napoleon. It felt like a betrayal. To compensate, Illya would make Napoleon shiver and tremble on his hands. He might not enjoy the act itself, but he enjoyed having Napoleon undone at his mercy. He loved that Napoleon would allow him to see him unguarded.

Illya knew since the beginning that if he wanted the relationship to succeed, he would have to endure the sex. Napoleon loved it and would take every opportunity he could have to take Illya to bed. Illya did not mind giving pleasure to Napoleon, in fact he was surprised to realize he enjoyed it, but Napoleon wanted his sexual partners to experience all. Illya hated that if he were anyone else, he would be so completely happy and instead, he was left feeling uneasy and anxious.

Napoleon, amazing and intelligent Napoleon, figured something was wrong with Illya. Illya took great care not to show how uninterested he was on their bed activities, but Napoleon, being Napoleon, noticed. He started looking at Illya with a frown on his face and after a few minutes, he would let go. Illya saw him talking in hushed tones with Gaby in different occasions and Illya knew they were talking about him, otherwise, they would have included him in the conversation.

Napoleon also started touching Illya more, he would be at his side at any possible time and he would hold his arms, his hands, pet his hair, anything that involved proximity. Illya would have loved it if in every touch there were not a residue of desperation. Napoleon was agitated and Illya did not know why.

Gaby caught him alone during a mission where Napoleon had to steal some rocket plans from a former Nazi scientist. They were at the hotel bar, when she put her drink down and stared at him until he was uncomfortable. “You know you are going to lose him, right?” Gaby asked and it was not unkind. It was resigned. Illya felt his heart constrict.

“Why would you say that?” he asked in a small voice.

Gaby sighed “Because he thinks you do not like him, Illya.”

Deep down, Illya knew he would not be able to keep Napoleon, who was as big as the world and wanted to experience everything. But Illya had thought he had more time. He thought he would be prepared for when the inevitable happened. “I don’t want to lose him.” He said looking at his glass of water.

“Then you should talk to him when he comes back.”Gaby said in a hard voice “He thinks you do not like him as much as he likes you, which I told him was completely wrong.” Illya nodded in agreement. He understood why Napoleon would think this way, no matter how hard Illya tried to hide, his defects always came back to haunt him.

“I will talk to him.” Illya said leaving the bar and heading for the stairs. He would wait Napoleon at his partner’s room and after everything was finished, he would go to his own, lick all his wounds and figure out a way to exist in a world where Napoleon Solo was not his anymore.

Napoleon took two more hours to return. During this time, Illya had rehearsed everything he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. All Illya was aiming was a clean break. Napoleon saw Illya seated on the arm chair, closed the door and leaned into it, he looked up and then closed his eyes.

“Gaby talked to you.” Napoleon said in a quiet voice.

“She did” Illya confirmed still on the chair and still watching Napoleon. “She wanted to let me know I’m going to lose you.”

At that, Napoleon turned his gaze to Illya, his eyes were dark.

“That is not what I said to her.” Napoleon said shaking his head.

Illya got up and went to him. “It’s okay” he said standing right in front of Napoleon “I know why you want to do it. I don’t blame you.”

Napoleon chuckled and pushed Illya on the chest. “You know nothing and Gaby should not have interfered.” he stepped into his room making Illya retreat back to his chair. “I don’t think you know what I want or what you want, for that matter.”

Illya crossed his arms defensively. It hurt hearing Napoleon say it. “Oh, I know what I want. It’s just not the same as what you want.”

Illya saw Napoleon gasp, saw him press his hands over his eyes and take two deep breaths.

“Well, thanks for the chat, then.” Napoleon said from behind his hands. He turned back to the door, opened it and looked at Illya. “You might want to go back to your room now.”

This was it. Illya didn’t event had to do anything. He nodded and got up and even if he had wanted, he would not be able to stop himself from trying on last time. “I just wished it had worked out.” He said looking at the floor.

Napoleon closed the door with Illya still inside. Illya looked back at him and sat back down.

“Illya, just- just, please, talk to me.” Napoleon asked, again, he was leaning on the door. “Help me understand.”

Illya shook his head. “There is nothing to understand. We need different things from this and I can never give you what you really want.”

Napoleon did not reply back. Illya kept looking at him and Napoleon stood there analyzing his partner.

“Ok, let’s try this again.” Napoleon finally said “What is it that you think I want?”

“Oh, no.” Illya said standing up. He took a step closer to the door, saw Napoleon still blocking it and retreated. “Don’t play games, Napoleon.”

“I’m not playing any games! I just want to understand! Because I think you want this to work as much as I do!”

Illya took three strides and was back in front of Napoleon. “It. Won’t. Work.” He said and saw Napoleon sigh.

Napoleon crossed his arms and smiled sadly at Illya “Ok, you need to forgive me after we are finished, because I’m about to take a chance.” He said and it did not make any sense.

“What-”

“You seek my company and have no trouble initiating contact but become almost catatonic when we are in bed.”Napoleon said raising one finger. Illya’s blood left his face. “You don’t seem to enjoy me giving you pleasure, but have to problems with giving it to me. You hold me close after the sex and seems to never want to let me go, but will shy from me if I touch you anywhere.” And Napoleons fingers kept lifting as he was listing all the insanity that was Illya’s behavior.

“Please stop.” Illya asked. He could barely speak; he was so ashamed of himself and his inabilities. “I got it; let me leave your room. We can go back to being just partners in the morning.”

Napoleon studied him with a sad expression “No, Illya.” He said slowly “I don’t think I want you to leave the room. I want you to explain to me what is going on. Let me help.”

Illya lost it. Never in his life had he told anyone about it. He knew people would not understand and he did not want to start with Napoleon, who he loved so much. He could feel tears falling from his eyes, he could see his hands shaking, he started hyperventilating. In a minute Napoleon’s hands were on his face.

“Look at me, Illya, look at me.” Napoleon said staring right into his eyes “Deep breaths just like mine. Come on Illya, deep breaths.”

“I just-” Illya said between breaths “I don’t-” he matched his breath with Napoleon’s “I don’t want to lose you.”

Napoleon guided Illya’s head down and kissed his forehead. “You will not lose me. Just talk to me.”

“I can’t stand having sex.” Illya said in a rushed voice. Tears were still falling from his eyes. He looked back at Napoleon’s shocked face “I can’t stand it. I never have. I don’t like it and you love it.”

Napoleon opened and closed his month a few times.

“But-”

“Can I leave now?” Illya asked ashamed.

“But you initiated all the touches.” Napoleon said confused. “You seek my company, you-”

“That’s because I enjoy touching you, Napoleon!” Illya shouted “I love you and I love being with you. It has nothing to do with that. I just can’t stand having sex.”

Napoleon took a deep breath and sat on the chair Illya was at the beginning of the discussion.

“Ok, explain it to me” Napoleon said and seemed genuinely interested in what Illya would say. Illya was taken aback.

Illya got closer to Napoleon again, saw his partner watching him with the bright blue eyes.

“I don’t like the sensations, I don’t like the sweat, I don’t feel any pleasure on it except for the physical one. It feels like something is being ripped from me. It kills me that you love doing it with me and that I can’t seem to enjoy it.” Illya said trying to explain.

Napoleon nodded “But you have no trouble in giving me pleasure. I’ve seem you doing it and it is beautiful.”

“I love touching you. I love having you under me as long as I can use my hands and month.” Illya said. “You are amazing and I love that I can do this for you.”

Napoleon shook his head. “And how do I give you pleasure?” he asked in a serious voice. In alarm, Illya realizes Napoleon believed in him. Napoleon was not making fun of him nor was he looking at Illya as if Illya was an abomination.

Illya followed Napoleon’s lead and took a chance as well.

“You- I take pleasure in having you close by. As you said, I love sleeping with you, I enjoy touching you, I want to take you on every museum on the world, I want to introduce you to every Russian food and see you drink our vodka, I want to keep working with you and know you will not leave me.” Illya finished talking and Napoleon nodded. He was silent for a few seconds, probably thinking about everything and making Illya squirm in nervousness “Please say something.”

Napoleon took a deep breath. “It seems to me, and please, do not let me get this wrong again, that you have no problem in taking me apart but do not want me to take you apart.”

Illya gasped. That was it. It was not put on the same words that he would use, but that was basically that. He also was very aware that this was not a good understanding for Napoleon to have.

“It is not an imbalance. Please, don’t take it like it is.” Illya explained and to his surprise, Napoleon smiled to him.

“I did not take it as one. I’m just trying to understand.” Napoleon got up from the chair and walked to Illya, putting his arms around his neck “We will re-negotiate everything in our relationship.” He said still with a smile on his face “Is kiss okay?”

Against his control, Illya started smiling as well. Napoleon never stopped surprising him. “Kiss is okay”

“Good” Napoleon said and kissed him. “We will take one step at a time and never again you will let me do anything you do not want, do you understand?” Napoleon continued after breaking the kiss.

Illya buried his face on Napoleon’s neck and hugged him.


End file.
